Today found me grocery shopping, greeting revelations amidst the Brussels sprouts. Some people gain epiphanies meditating in ashrams. Others consult the Tarot. Some are even visited by holy visions. Me? My moment of clarity came in the grocery store.
Here is a quote that tidily sums up my past romantic involvements:
“I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.” - Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
And I’m still single. Shocking, right?
It’s been over a year and a half since my last foray into a committed relationship. In this Temple Era (yes, I’ve named my celibacy – isn’t that cute?), I made a promise to myself to evolve how I love. To learn to BE love. I have taken a break from a cycle that began with the advent of hormones for me where I gift wrapped and surrender my lovability to someone else. Namely to whichever man was in my sights. I gave endless (dare I say desperate) energy and love to others who did not honor it to insure I was repeatedly told a story about not being enough. Spinning a tale of conditional love where happily ever after was always unattainable. An enlightened person would say that those old stories don’t serve me anymore. I’d simply tell you that those stories bite. Big time. And I’ve spent time writing better tales that I’d be proud to read my daughter at bedtime.
My Temple Era has been about learning to fully love myself. To replace the inner voice that found repeated fault with one that was kinder. To learn to be self-focused and revel in it rather than feel shame for learning to take care of myself. Sometimes even before others. *gasp*
The result of leading with all this love has been incredible. My life has had an intense level of drama for many years. I mean TBS may know drama, but this mama has been living it. And it’s floated away. I won’t say effortlessly because it has taken intent. I’ve had to change not just actions, but thoughts. And thoughts are tricky little buggers. But I’ve done it. And then I goof up. And then I do it again. I have developed an amazing network of friends and support - something rather new to me. I have a content little girl – something I once thought I had to fight for but perhaps I just needed to surrender to. I feel a sense of peace I have never known. I think it’s simply self-love.
“When a woman conceives her true self, a miracle occurs and life around her begins again.” – Marianne Williamson
All of that leads us back to the grocery store. And aha moments. And confessions of a single mom. The realization was that it may be time to retire the Temple Era. To mesh self-love with love of another. To greet this possibility with love rather than fear. Why do I say this?
Granola. I stopped at the grocery to get a few basics and left with Big Sky granola. Did I need granola? Nope. Do I ever buy granola? Nope. I make my own which I love.
It was the samples guy Big Sky sent in to schlep their products. A little friendly banter. A little paper cup with a dollop of yogurt and granola. A sly smile. I, ladies and gentlemen, am low lying fruit. He had me at hello. There was nothing for it. I bought his goods. Oh yes I did.
It made me realize I have had my radar turned off. You know what I mean. 95% of the populace doesn't even ping it but every now and again – wowza. Bells and whistles, baby. That radar. I had completely forgotten how delicious it can be when the blipping starts. I think it’s a sign that I’m trusting in myself enough to dare to turn it on. I’m opening myself to love again.
No. I didn’t ask the granola guy out. He was kind of a puppy. It was just one of those aha moments where you learn a truth about yourself.
The granola? Good. The samples guy? Tasty. This one goes out to you, Granola Guy. Thanks for the reawakening.
No comments:
Post a Comment