February 1: Cotton Candy Dreams

Sometimes when you go through a difficult situation, it can stir up sorrow. Talking about the past brings it to the present. This can be a beautiful thing (remembering our happiest moments is like giving ourselves joy again and again). It can also be incredibly unhealthy, if the focus is on something that wounded us.

Our minds are funny little places. I had a difficult day, and my sleep found me seeking refuge in cotton candy memories. Moments of fluff without great substance but with instant impact. Sugary goodness.

The dream was about a pre-mama Andrea with the whims and cares of a 20-something. A dalliance from the Wig & Pen in Iowa City floated through my sugar-induced visions. It wasn't the guy that brought me to the 90s in my dreams.

It was the carefree way I felt that led me to that girl in that time. She was on fire. She might have had five bucks in her pocket and no retirement goals but wow, could she have cared less. She had a beer, some pizza, the Bangles on the jukebox and some karmic connection with the bar manager. She had delicious possibility if only for a moment.

She hadn't gotten divorced yet, been humbled by that “failure”. Hadn't seen her daughter go through an emotional cycle that hurt worse than any pain she’d ever experienced. Hadn't been in “the system” for six years trying to do what was best for her daughter. Her spirit was all untamed mustangs galloping across the plains. Untamed. Unfettered. Believing everything was going to be amazing, not just ok.

The dream left me a bit wistful about youth, which is rare for me. I’m much more comfortable in my present-day skin than I ever was when I was younger.

It reminded me of this poem, which I love.

“Have you forgotten what we were like then

when we were still first rate

and the day came fat with an apple in its mouth

it’s no use worrying about Time

but we did have a few tricks up our sleeves

and turned some sharp corners

the whole pasture looked like our meal

we didn't need speedometers

we could manage cocktails out of ice and water

I wouldn't want to be faster

Or greener than now if you were with me O you

Were the best of all my days”

-  Frank O’Hara

It was a little bittersweet to wake from all that glittering potential. This song feels right today, and so I share it with you.

Ane Brun - Do You Remember