May 29: Wishes

I wish adults got summer vacation, too. With pay.

I wish I could hang out with Mike Rowe for a day.

I wish Ben & Jerry's still made their mixed up flavor with the cherry  / chocolate fudge brownie. And I had some. Like right now.

I wish I'd gotten to see the Cubs play with Harry Caray broadcasting and singing in the seventh inning stretch.

I wish I weren't allergic to shellfish. I'd love to be able to explore more sushi rolls and not die.

I wish I hadn't stopped taking cello lessons.

I wish I could tell my younger self that she didn't need a man to be loved. She could love herself enough.

I wish Pluto were still a planet.

Wishes I've made on first stars. Never ever waste a chance to wish.

Star light. Star bright. First star I see tonight. I wish I may. I wish I might. Have this wish I wish tonight.

Wilco - California Stars

May 28: Passing

Yesterday I had an uncle pass away. He was a WWII veteran, a husband, father, grandfather, heck of a fisherman, and a good soul. I grieve for my aunt, who is finding her way without her for he first time since the 50s.

Today Maya Angelou passed away. I have been deeply touched by how many people have taken time to pay tribute to this woman. Some people have the ability to make us love them without ever having met them. Maya was that sort of lady. I think this quote explains it perfectly.

I have always said that grief is a sneaky bitch. She finds you in moments when you least expect it. Perhaps it was reflecting upon my grandpa the other day in honor of Memorial Day. Perhaps it's just that death reminds us of loss. Sometimes we bring sad memories to the present when we need to cry.

Whatever the reason, today I keep going back to a hospice room in Prairie du Chien, Wisconsin. My grandpa had myeloma and passed away in 2002, the summer before my wedding. The disease moved so quickly through his body. Months before he was in hospice, we had no idea his body was waging an internal war against itself.

Just like other people's children don't age if we don't see them, people who are seriously ill aren't truly at risk when we don't witness it personally. I had gone to McGregor to visit my grandparents, knowing my grandpa was doing radiation for myeloma, but not understanding the severity of the situation. 

While I was there, my grandpa was moved into the hospital, and then into hospice that same day. I cannot explain what reality felt like when it hit me, except to say that I suspect waves crashing down on you and carrying you to the ocean floor might be gentler.

I went from the mental imagine of this tall, solid, loving teddy bear of a man to the reality of this frail, sick, morphine taking incoherent soul with tattooed markings for his radiation treatment who was ready to leave us. They were doing the radiation not to heal him, but to sustain his current state and inhibit further deterioration. To mentally bargain with God for a miracle and discover that there was none to be had was heartrending.

Grandpa had me come into his hospice room with him and gram. I sat by him in bed, holding his hand. I was afraid to hug him (his ribs hurt so much).I wanted to take the health inside me and infuse it into him. I would have given him some of my years if I could have. I couldn't do more than hold his hand. Humanity is beyond humbling.

He apologized to me that he couldn't live longer. He was sorry he wouldn't see my wedding (which was in a few months). He apologized to me for not helping me when I was a child (I had written asking for my grandparents help and they weren't able emotionally to recognize or give it within an incredibly painful situation at the time). My grandpa had shame over not being there for me. I realized as he was talking to me that he was saying goodbye. Truly goodbye.

I wish I had been coherent enough to tell him how deeply he had impacted my life. He was the only man who hugged me and made me feel safe as a kid. My first cup of coffee was just like he took it - coffee heavy on the milk, drunk on the radiator in their home. I watched endless Cubs baseball games not because I like baseball, but because I loved my grandpa and he loved the Cubs. He was the guy who came to Maryland to rescue me when my East Coast experience failed miserably. He bought me a car when I needed one desperately. He was always pulling a $20 out of a pocket to give me with no good reason beyond he wanted me to smile. He made me giggle like a schoolgirl every single time I saw him. He taught me to value education as provided not just via school books but through life experience. He had a generous nature that inspired me deeply. He was such a special man.

I was overwhelmed with grief and couldn't find my words. I am never without words. They abandoned me in a swell of emotion. He said what he needed to and asked to nap. I gave him a gentle hug, managed to tell him I loved him, and stumbled to the door.

I walked out of the room with my grandma crying quietly in the corner. I have never seen my grandma cry. When I closed the door, it hit me. It all hit me. It was my last conversation with my grandpa ever. I knew it would be. I fell on the ground sobbing. I couldn't take a step.

I was engaged at the time. My now ex-husband was there. He tried to offer some comfort but the grief intimidated him. He was embarrassed I was crying in public, I think. I remember feeling more alone than I had ever been in my life that day. As much as it can help to share grief (and more so a love of the life and memories of the person you are grieving), it is also something you have to get through alone. It was horrific.

My grandpa passed away a bit over a week later. He said goodbye to his brother who was the last to visit him and then left us. I like to think he chose his exit. 

This weekend my uncle's military funeral will be in the same cemetery in McGregor where my grandpa's military funeral was held. It's going to hurt both to see my family's pain for the loss of  my uncle, but also because I'll feel the echo of my grandpa's passing there. All these years later, he is still deeply missed. 

Sarah McLachlan - I Will Remember You

May 26: Memorial Day

Happy Memorial Day, all.

I hope you spent your day surrounded by family and/or friends. Aria and I ventured to the great state of Wisconsin for water park and family fun. 

Today was spent home in the garden. I could not be happier with my life. Truly I could not.

I posted this picture of my grandpa on Facebook today. 

I have a copy of it in my hallway and pass it every day. I love this picture because my grandpa was such a cat lover. He called cats "chids" for some reason, and openly adored them. 

I never paid attention to the cats in the picture until this morning. His two cats are very similar to our current cats, Baby Nay and Pixie Pye. This made me smile today.

 
He served in WWII. He was a proud member of his local Legion. He was the finest man I knew growing up. My grandpa had a sixth grade education and worked harder than anyone I've ever known. He was incredibly interested in world affairs and a die hard liberal who loved debating politics with those around him. 

He would help anyone in need, and had such a generous spirit. He felt safe to me in a childhood with few harbors from the storm. 

Grandpa passed away the summer before I got married. I grieved him not being at my wedding. I grieve far more that he never met my daughter, and that she never got to hear his laughter and feel his hugs.

All of our lives have been touched by veterans. I have immense gratitude for the gifts our freedoms afford us. Today I have held my grandpa and the other veterans I've known close to my heart.

Grandpa loved jazz. I think he'd approve of this choice. I wish I could hug him one more time.

Billie Holiday - The Very Thought of You

May 23: Love Affair

Act 1: Just when Baby Nay had given up on love, a new suitor makes himself known.

Act 2: This moment can best be summed up with some Lionel Richie (today's song of the day):

Lionel Richie - Hello

Act 3: His name was Basil. He had a rogue’s soul but a gentle heart. He stayed for a while and filled up those empty places inside Baby Nay that she had forgotten about.

She pondered, “Basil? They named him after an herb? What’s in a name? That which we call Basil by any other name would smell as…herby.”

Act 4:  The end of the affair. Baby Nay sits forlornly by the door wondering if indeed it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all…

May 21: Scandal

Season 3 of Scandal is on Netflix. I repeat: Season 3!!! If you need me, I'll be in the middle of a Scandal marathon.

And oh yes, I did! Britney, baby! A la naughty school girl era. I think I wore this look for Halloween one year...

Britney Spears - ...Baby One More Time

May 20: Grit

Today felt like this, for no explicable reason. Dark. Gritty. Real. With a twist of sexy.

Arctic Monkeys - Do I Wanna Know?

May 19: Black

Dark mood tonight with life events causing some pain.

Sometimes when the clouds roll in, it's helpful to remember other dark times and how I've evolved past them. Kind of "you've been down and come back" before type thinking.

Case in point: When I moved back from D.C. and got a place in Iowa City, I was completely lost at first. I had dropped out of college, moved across the country, thrown my entire heart and life into this guy. And then left him to come back to what? 

I had an insanely fun (insanely low paying) job at a local radio station but no career direction. I lived in studio apartment in an old home with radiator heat that never rose to my room. My grandpa helped buy me a car as I left mine in D.C. with the guy. I had pinned my entire future upon a foundation that was now gone. Ground zero.

My lowest points, oddly enough, came in the grocery store. With Jalal we were always entertaining, or even just cooking for his family. I adored menu planning and learned so much about hosting parties during my time with him. I cannot express the sheer joy feeding someone brings me.

To go into a grocery store alone, as a single person, with nothing that had to be bought and no one to feed it to other than myself, brought me to tears. Literally for months I'd walk into the grocery store, break down in tears, and end up leaving with Mountain Dew and a pack of cigarettes. (It was a great era for weight loss but not so great on the health front.)

It was a low point. Eventually, I bounced back. Time does heal. It's trite and painful to evolve through in real time, but from this vantage point years later, it's true.

Tomorrow my world has a little blip that hurts in the short term. I'm taking solace in knowing that in the grand scheme, it's only a moment in time. I have many, many other moments to make amazing.

Pearl Jam - Black

May 18: Moondance

A dear friend introduced me to Liz Langley today, via a Facebook post. I get sheer delight from learning something new, whether it be finding a new author, a new recipe, or even a remake up a song I adore.

Van Morrison's Tupelo Honey was my first Van vinyl. I got Moondance years later on a CD. There's a reason they say Van the Man. He was a smooth operator. Liz isn't so bad either. Give her a listen and see what you think.

Liz Langley - Moondance

May 17: Blue Skies

This was my view today, on the sidelines at my daughter's soccer game. 55 degrees. Slight breeze. Happy, giggling girls and their amazing parents to share the morning with talking of everything and nothing.

Or in other words: bliss. Today was bliss.

Jakob Dillon - Something Good This Way Comes

May 15: Accomplishments

Some days an accomplishment is getting my daughter's lunch packed. Or getting the garbage to the curb before the truck pulls away. 

This week we had a team meeting in the office for 3 solid days. When your work environment promotes A.D.D and you are forced to sit still without distraction and provide active listening / presentations for 3 solid days, this is a true test of fortitude.

Today I was able to provide a delivery overview of our quarterly functionality being put into production this weekend. This is tech speak for saying today rocked professionally. I got to hang with my team (who are amazing people I truly enjoy), host an interactive presentation that highlighted our efforts being made realities, and feel accomplished all in one fell swoop. 

As I say "one fell swoop" I question where the phrase came from. So I looked it up.

Fell is an old English word meaning awful or terrible. As in felon, which now means you've been convicted of a crime but used to mean simply you were a bad person. Swoop is Batmanesque - onomatopoeia. So really one fell swoop is a wham, bam, bite me ma'am event of bad luck swooping in and bopping you on the head.  It's come to mean "all at once" but started off much more dire.

Shakespeare used it in Macbeth - the first recorded instance of this phrase. Shakespeare, by the way, was so amazing at re-forming the English language, that Samuel Johnson's dictionary (the first book of its kind) quotes him more than any other author. Here are a few of his catchphrases. This fascinates me to no end. We are quoting Shakespeare constantly without even being aware of it. Sly Will.

Shakespeare Phrases

And just like that...two fell swoops. My work here is done. 

Water Fountain - Tune-Yards

May 14: Queen

Every soundtrack needs some Queen.

Queen - Somebody to Love

May 12: Warning Signs

I had the thought recently that it would be nice if all people came with warning signs.

Then I wondered what mine might say.

I am both fascinated and horrified with the concept.

What would your sign say?

Fiona Apple - Paper Bag

May 11: Try, Try Again

I know it’s Mother’s Day, and I don’t want to belittle that. Being a mama has been the most impactful thing to ever happen to my life. But that’s not what is on my mind today.

A recent happening is swirling around in my brain and heart. But first, back story.

I have been single for quite some time. As I love my world, this is not really something that bother me or matters greatly. I’m open to possibility, but don’t tend to drive around seeking it out.

I even tried on-line dating for a spell simply to broaden my life experiences and circle of acquaintances. My world is filled with other parents, mainly women. I figured if I wanted to meet a man, organic methods weren’t producing any results.

Side note: I think a single mom’s Sex in the City would be a perfectly timely blog. I just didn’t have the endurance to face the experiences necessary to write it over the long haul. That said, my on-line experience did produce a few column-worthy stories.

Anyway, I recently met someone who filled my entire world with promise. Intriguing. Not hard on the eyes. Clever. Quirky. Long phone calls you don’t want to end. Possibility. Delicious possibility.

I gave it a test drive. It wasn’t right for me. I’m grateful I tried. I’m grateful I know it’s ok that it didn’t work. I have a few new go-to recipes I can use in the future for crafting a delicious meal.

So even though it’s Mother’s Day, this song is apropos in my world. And reminds me of the scene in Home for the Holidays when Dylan McDermott is singing at the piano. If you haven't seen this movie, it's directed by Jodie Foster and is brilliant. Go see it. And sing along to the song, knowing it's all going to be alright. Promise.

Nat King Cole - Pick Yourself Up

May 8: Rosebuds

To the Virgins to Make Much of Time

by Robert Herrick

Gather ye rose-buds while ye may,
    Old Time is still a-flying:
And this same flower that smiles today,
    Tomorrow will be dying.

The glorious lamp of heaven, the Sun,
    The higher he's a-getting
The sooner will his race be run,
    And nearer he's to setting.

That age is best which is the first,
    When youth and blood are warmer;
But being spent, the worse, and worst
    Times, still succeed the former.

Then be not coy, but use your time;
    And while ye may, go marry:
For having lost but once your prime,
    You may for ever tarry.

Otis Redding - I've Been Loving You Too Long

May 5: Substitution

I was watering my garden and listening to this ditty by Jeffrey Gaines: 

Come Out Tonight

It's a favorite. It sounds like summer and longing to me, somehow. It's one of those songs I can play over and over again without realizing it. Hypnotic.

I can't find this song on Spotify however. This means you get to hear the next song that shuffled across my iPod. It's great also. A good sub.

Norman Greenbaum - Spirit in the Sky

May 4: Dirt Church

Gorgeous temperatures. Sunshine. A plethora of new plants and seedlings to place into the ground.

Dirt church Sunday. Nothing better.

Led Zeppelin - Over the Hills and Far Away

May 3: Twitterpated

This is that quintessential week in Spring where the flowering trees are in bloom, the rest of the trees have tender green leaves emerging, and the bulbs have made their glorious colors known. Temperatures are in the 60s. The sun glows warmly in a washed out blue sky. The birds are all a’twitter.

I’m a’twitter myself. Do you remember this scene in Bambi?

Bambi Twitterpated Excerpt

I’ve called Aria Twitterpatter since forever because I am so very twitterpated with her.

Spring was over the top fabulous today. In Pella, it’s tulip festival time. We at monster tenderloins at Goldie's (along the way to Pella in Prairie City), caught the parade, walked around town admiring the tulips and headed home.

I’d love to tell you it was a fabulous day, but that would only be a half truth. The tulips were full on fabulous.

But Aria was wiped out today. 

Growth spurt? Soccer exhaustion? Just not her deal? Who knows. She tolerated the festivities rather than embraced them, which is abnormal for her. She also fell asleep on the drive home, which tells me she was likely just tired.

It’s all good. I’m still twitterpated with the tulips and my girl.

Michael Jackson - The Way You Make Me Feel

May 2: A Good Day

I'm recovering from a cold, and could actually breathe out of both nostrils at several points today. My body is mending.

The sun shone and I visited a greenhouse. My car has three rows of seating and this makes no sense for my family of two until Spring rolls around and I pack my car to the gills with greenhouse purchases.

I got to catch up with a friend from high school this evening. We strolled around the sculpture garden area and caught up on entirely too many years apart.

I shared hugs with other friends met in passing.

It was a good day.

Jason Isbell - Live Oak

May 1: Beltane

Happy May Day!

When we were kids, we would dance around the flag pole, weaving ribbons as we moved. We'd also fill Dixie cups with popcorn, licorice bites and M&Ms, then leave them on doorsteps, ringing the doorbell and running. Simple pleasures.

Ever since reading Too Deep For Tears, I have wanted to leap a fire on May Day (Beltane). Some ideas are more romantic in theory than in reality. This is likely one of them.

The book is by Kathryn Lynn Davis, if you would like to check it out. It's one of my very favorite fiction novels, and I've read a few in my day.

The Pogues - Love You 'Till the End