My now ex-husband, at the time boyfriend, went to work in Austria for over six months while we were dating. I went to visit him for a few weeks, staying outside Vienna in Hinterbrühl. It was a dichotomous trip. I was over the moon to visit Europe for the first time. On the other hand, I was alone for most of my vacation, as he was working. I was left to my own devices to explore the region.
Nothing tastes better than when shared with someone else. I don’t cook grand meals to eat them alone. I love to watch the pleasure my meals can create for someone else. The conversation that accompanies the food adds to its flavor. I love to dine, not eat. The same is true of experiences in general. Nothing felt lonelier than exploring a foreign country alone.
I was around 25. I remember feeling grown up then but when I look back, I was in-between. Not girl and not woman. I find it odd we only assign “tween” status to young girls. We are so often tweenish, aren't we?
I’ll tell you something funny. I was so glad to go, and am grateful even now that I did, but when I think of being there what I feel is hollow in my heart. That aching hollow you get inside sometimes. What loneliness feels like, I guess. A phantom pain. It’s not an easy time to remember. But there was beauty too. And so I share it.
I went from Des Moines to Minneapolis. I spent three hours in Minnesota before heading on an overnight flight to Amsterdam. I had a seven hour layover in Amsterdam before finally getting to Austria. I decided to explore the city as much as possible. I’m so glad I did. It felt brave and cavalier at the time. It was a good confidence booster.
Nothing tastes better than when shared with someone else. I don’t cook grand meals to eat them alone. I love to watch the pleasure my meals can create for someone else. The conversation that accompanies the food adds to its flavor. I love to dine, not eat. The same is true of experiences in general. Nothing felt lonelier than exploring a foreign country alone.
I was around 25. I remember feeling grown up then but when I look back, I was in-between. Not girl and not woman. I find it odd we only assign “tween” status to young girls. We are so often tweenish, aren't we?
I’ll tell you something funny. I was so glad to go, and am grateful even now that I did, but when I think of being there what I feel is hollow in my heart. That aching hollow you get inside sometimes. What loneliness feels like, I guess. A phantom pain. It’s not an easy time to remember. But there was beauty too. And so I share it.
I went from Des Moines to Minneapolis. I spent three hours in Minnesota before heading on an overnight flight to Amsterdam. I had a seven hour layover in Amsterdam before finally getting to Austria. I decided to explore the city as much as possible. I’m so glad I did. It felt brave and cavalier at the time. It was a good confidence booster.
I walked past stands of tulips which were heaven (it was March) on the way to the curb. The skies were gray and the air was crisp (around 45F). I hailed a taxi and asked the driver what I should do with seven hours. He said I should spend it with him – it was too beautiful of a day to work anyway. He proceeded to drive us to a Bulldog where we had a drink. We then strolled along the canals to visit an exhibit of Van Gogh self-portraits and through a flower market. We listened to street musicians in the Red Light District. It was magnificent. Everyone was incredibly friendly in Amsterdam. The taxi driver returned me to the airport just in time to board my flight to Vienna.
I got to Vienna in the evening. I left customs and went toward baggage claim where my ex was to meet me. My heart was filled with butterflies and excitement – reunions are my favorite. He wasn't there. The bags were delayed in coming out. After 45 minutes, I got my suitcase. I had attached a brightly patterned scarf so no one would mistake my bag for their own. It was rather tattered. He still wasn't there. This was in the era before cell phones. I had no way to contact him to find out where he was. He arrived a few hours later. I was sitting dejectedly atop my suitcase wondering if I should go get a hotel on my own or just buy a ticket home and scrap the whole thing. He’d been skiing and was late picking me up because the day had slipped away from him.
I was not pleased. I tried to not be a sour puss, but can you imagine? It’s your partner you've dated for years at this point, who has been across an ocean? All you want is to run into their arms. But they were busy with something else so don’t make it on time to get you. No regret. No shame. Just matter of fact I was doing something else but am here now. Hindsight may be 20/20, but I cannot tell you that I wouldn't have gone on a single date with my ex, because that would eradicate my daughter as she exists today from my world. I can tell you I’d have worked less at making his being late ok for him. I was hurt quite terribly by it.
We got my bags to the car and starting heading out of the airport parking area. The car broke down. My ex, who was a mechanical engineer, mind you, had stopped for gas right before picking me up. He put regular gasoline in a diesel car. Yep. Killed it. It was a company car. Lovely.
I got to Vienna in the evening. I left customs and went toward baggage claim where my ex was to meet me. My heart was filled with butterflies and excitement – reunions are my favorite. He wasn't there. The bags were delayed in coming out. After 45 minutes, I got my suitcase. I had attached a brightly patterned scarf so no one would mistake my bag for their own. It was rather tattered. He still wasn't there. This was in the era before cell phones. I had no way to contact him to find out where he was. He arrived a few hours later. I was sitting dejectedly atop my suitcase wondering if I should go get a hotel on my own or just buy a ticket home and scrap the whole thing. He’d been skiing and was late picking me up because the day had slipped away from him.
I was not pleased. I tried to not be a sour puss, but can you imagine? It’s your partner you've dated for years at this point, who has been across an ocean? All you want is to run into their arms. But they were busy with something else so don’t make it on time to get you. No regret. No shame. Just matter of fact I was doing something else but am here now. Hindsight may be 20/20, but I cannot tell you that I wouldn't have gone on a single date with my ex, because that would eradicate my daughter as she exists today from my world. I can tell you I’d have worked less at making his being late ok for him. I was hurt quite terribly by it.
We got my bags to the car and starting heading out of the airport parking area. The car broke down. My ex, who was a mechanical engineer, mind you, had stopped for gas right before picking me up. He put regular gasoline in a diesel car. Yep. Killed it. It was a company car. Lovely.
This photo is me sitting in the car waiting for a tow truck to come haul us away. Me disappointed by the greeting I got at the airport. Disappointed and yes, disgusted. I’ll admit it. I could not believe my ex couldn't figure out he’d been driving a diesel car. I mean, they sound different. The car had a big notice on the gap cap with “Diesel only” on it. Many cars in Austria run on diesel. You had to go out of your way to find regular gasoline. Mechanical engineer is not brain surgeon but really?! That might be the 24 hours of travel followed by sitting alone in tears at an airport talking. But I doubt it.
Airport security after verifying we weren't terrorists stopping traffic for kicks and giggles called a tow truck. The tow truck driver spoke no English. He did not know where to take the car (and us). We didn't know either. We looked in the glove box and found the dealership where the car was purchased. We decided to tow the car there. We all rode in silence for an hour or so.
When we dropped the car at the dealership, my ex found a payphone where he called his employer to tell him he’d killed the car and where it was. The tow trucker driver and I were left in the truck in an uncomfortable silence. He was in his 50s, had a scruffy face, puffy eyes (it was around 2 in the morning by then), and no patience for stupid Americans who couldn't fill a car’s gas tank properly. So the seconds ticked by in silence. He was growing impatient – I could feel his desire to be home. To crawl back into bed. Finally to break the tension, I reached over and turned on the radio.
This song was on. Thank you, Lenny. The driver looked at me. I looked at him. He pointed at me and giggled. Yes, giggled. We sang. It was not my most elegant duet, but it was delicious. He only knew the refrain. It was more than enough.
My ex came back to the truck. We turned the radio off and drove to the hotel in silence. The thing in retrospect that resounds with me is that a sullen man awoken in the night to rescue strangers brought me more comfort than my ex did at the time.
There are some beautiful moments I had in Vienna. I’ll share those tomorrow. Tonight I’ll leave you in the capable hands of Lenny Kravitz.
Airport security after verifying we weren't terrorists stopping traffic for kicks and giggles called a tow truck. The tow truck driver spoke no English. He did not know where to take the car (and us). We didn't know either. We looked in the glove box and found the dealership where the car was purchased. We decided to tow the car there. We all rode in silence for an hour or so.
When we dropped the car at the dealership, my ex found a payphone where he called his employer to tell him he’d killed the car and where it was. The tow trucker driver and I were left in the truck in an uncomfortable silence. He was in his 50s, had a scruffy face, puffy eyes (it was around 2 in the morning by then), and no patience for stupid Americans who couldn't fill a car’s gas tank properly. So the seconds ticked by in silence. He was growing impatient – I could feel his desire to be home. To crawl back into bed. Finally to break the tension, I reached over and turned on the radio.
This song was on. Thank you, Lenny. The driver looked at me. I looked at him. He pointed at me and giggled. Yes, giggled. We sang. It was not my most elegant duet, but it was delicious. He only knew the refrain. It was more than enough.
My ex came back to the truck. We turned the radio off and drove to the hotel in silence. The thing in retrospect that resounds with me is that a sullen man awoken in the night to rescue strangers brought me more comfort than my ex did at the time.
There are some beautiful moments I had in Vienna. I’ll share those tomorrow. Tonight I’ll leave you in the capable hands of Lenny Kravitz.
